I have the most perfect Friend With Benefits. We have been FWB for 7 yrs (on and off in between relationships- we’ve never cheated), he is a good friend, but not a great friend. He is good in bed, but not great in bed. He is attractive but not super attractive. He treats me well, but not really well. He lives 2 hrs away making him accessible but not too accessible and we are 100% honest and open with each other, discussing our past present and future relationships. These are all the qualities needed for being able to sleep with someone casually without falling for each other.
I had been attracted to my FWB for 5 yrs before we actually hooked up. He is 4yrs younger than me, which in your early 20’s feels like a life time. But now that we are in our 30’s the age gap means nothing at all.
The reason I love him and love to keep him around is because I can call him whenever I want for a booty call. It could be a random Tuesday night; I’m home, alone, bored and lonely. A quick text to my FWB and my woes are all but gone.
And he is happy to take my calls. This can be a conversation on what we would love to be doing to each other right now (generally sexually explicit), the weather, work or planning our next rendezvous. He is just good company when I need it.
Once we get to our rendezvous I love the fact that we have no inhibitions, we are so comfortable around each other that we can walk around the kitchen completely naked at 10am in the morning, before going back to bed for a quickie then heading out for a nice breakfast.
I love the fact that we trust each other with secrets and personal matters. That he only talks to me about the shit going on with his family, and I only talk to him about shit going on with my dating disasters. It is so nice to be able to bounce ideas off each other and ask for opinions and advice on issues we have expert knowledge on. On this, he is dependable.
But we can not depend on each other totally. Since he lives 2 hrs from me, he can never be a quick (physical) fix. Seeing each other has to come with planning. This distance also means that we have very separate lives. I have a group of friends that he ‘kind of’ knows and he has a group of friends that I ‘kind of’ know. We have a group of friends that we both know, but these days, we are never together with this group of friends. This works great. If we lived close to each other, he would be far too accessible for a lonely single girl sitting home alone with nothing to do.
So why were we never officially together? Why, with all these great attributes our relationships has, were we never a couple? Why was he never boyfriend material and why was I never girlfriend material.
Well I can’t speak for him, but for me personally, I hate that I never come first in his life. I would plan a whole 3 day weekend in Sydney with him, only for him to cancel it, day by day, to hang out with his mates.
I also hate that the reason he chose to hang out with those friends instead of me, was because for all the illicit drugs they do. He prefers alcohol, drugs and hookers than hanging out with me, wish I usually take as a personal insult.
I have also been disappointed one too many times in the bedroom. Don’t get me wrong, when he wants to be, he is great in bed, but he can be so lazy sometimes that it would be 5 min start to finish (including foreplay) and then time to go to sleep. It once got to a point where I was yelling at him it was so bad. “I’ve driven 2 hrs to see you and that’s all you’ve got?! 5 min including foreplay!!! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME”. There have been a few too many restless, sleepless nights spent at his house, and he doesn’t care.
Along with the ‘don’t care if you’re satisfied or not’ attitude, he has never made the effort to come and see me at my house. It is always me travelling to see him. As I mentioned previously, we live 2 hrs away from each other. And in the 7 yrs we have been sleeping together, he has visited me twice. Disgruntley.
But in all honesty, that is how he has to be towards me, for us to continue this brilliant arrangement we have. If he was committed to spending all his time with me, ensuring I was satisfied in the bedroom and visiting me often, then how would this be different from a relationship? It wouldn’t. And therefore we continue as we are. It is actually refreshing to know that we can have regular sex both knowing that he doesn’t ever want to marry me and I don’t ever want to marry him. We are happily temporary.
I wish nothing but the best for him in his future relationships, and I’d like to think he thinks the same towards me, whenever that time might be. And when we do find our permanent significant others in life, I’d like to think that we will both look back on our happily temporary relationship with fond memories, and ensure we keep each other’s phone number in case both our marriages goes to the shitter.