Tinder: A little place in Hell

So after a 34th birthday breakfast with 2 of my favourites, I was left thinking that maybe  going on Tinder wasn’t such a bad idea.
Both of my favourites were on it. 1. Was “just shopping” as she described it, and was not real active. The other had met her current boyfriend and was a week away from moving in with him. She had found love on the little app!

I have been resistant in any form of online dating for my whole 34yrs ( or at least for as long as the Internet has been around), and had pretty much flat out refused to come even close to making a profile.

But I was/am single, newly 34 ( which means mid 30’s-eek), and my 2 favourites made a convincing argument. My oldest friend actually made the best argument for it which was “when you go into a pub the first thing you do is sus out who is in the room and instantly rate them. Yes no yes yes maybe definately no” tinder was the exact same. Just without a glass of wine in your hand and no make up on.

It was a Sunday night and after peppering some questions full of doubt to the favouites…..I signed up and made a profile.

Now I am 34, so I set my age bracket for 25-40 and with in 100km. Make sure I can cover both the small town and the big city. My profile pictures were clean, no pouts, no up high bathroom shots. No mirror shots, I was fully clothed in every picture.

And so it begins. No (swipe left) no (swipe left), no (swipe left). Oh he’s a bit cute (swipe right).
Instantly it came up with “you have a match!”.
It was really satisfying. I got super excited and text the favourites straight away. “Oh my god, he likes me What do I do??”

He instantly wrote me an in app message and we started talking. Question number 2 ( after hi how are you) was “what do you want out of tinder”. It was an odd question to me. I actually hadn’t thought about it. Was there more than one reason to be on tinder? Am I on for a different reason to other people?
My answer reflected this “I’m not sure. What reason do other people give for being on tinder. To meet people I guess”
I asked him why he was on tinder and his response was
“I’m keen to have a bit of fun and see what happens”. Now, being that cute Luke was the first tinder match I had, I didn’t realise what “a bit of fun” meant (please call me naive).

Me and cute Luke spoke for an hour about whatever. The weather. Work. He asked again why I was on Tinder, (didn’t I already tell him that) as he was keen to have a bit of fun, I then asked “what did you do on the weekend” and then he disappeared. Yep, he hit the unmatched button and deleted me.
I’m sure I didn’t sound desperate or rude, why did he do that…a little demoralising after an initial high.

Apparently I wasn’t moving fast enough for cute Luke, and his “wants to have a bit of fun” meaning “I want to have sex now”

But that was ok. In between talking shop with cute Luke, I had had a couple of more matches and was feeling pretty popular. They varied in age, and they varied in looks. My only rules were that if there was a bathroom shot with a top off it was generally a no. If they were heavily tattooed it was a no, and if they lacked teeth it was a no. Proud smoker- no. Ok I was a little pickier than that, but was still going for guys who didn’t look like my type.

Then chatty Alex came along. Quite complementary. Said I was so attractive he would like me to be his stalker. When he asked to meet me, I alerted him to the fact that I was flying out the next day for 2wks.

His words were “bummer I really wanted to meet you in person”
My response “is there a reason I’m not worth waiting 2wks for”

Him “true, maybe we can just tease each other for 2wks and build it up”
Me “um.. Do you think you’re going to get action without you putting in some hard work face to face”
Him “Yeah. You’re right. I’m not into one night stands. I’d love to take you out and wine and dine you”
Me “that’s a better response”
Him “may I be cheeky and ask for some pictures of you”
Me “isn’t there some on tinder?”
Him “I’m 2wks away from seeing you. I think I need some special pictures”

Goodbye chatty Alex

2min later I received a picture message. Of a penis!!!
Yep-one match didn’t have the energy to even send a simple hello. He went straight in for the kill. I was so flustered that I was looking at a picture of a strangers penis that I swiped right (trying to get rid of the picture) in Tinder world, swiping right means that you “like” the picture. No no no. He was then promptly deleted.

I decided to continue in this mini nightmare. Surely this was just a stroke of bad luck. 4hrs in and I had been rejected, asked for nudie pictures and sent a dick pic. It wasn’t looking good.

Then there was Andrew. We had established that we had both been to South America and loved Brazil. His line was…
“I think I saw you in Brazil”
Me: “What? Where?”
Him: “in Rio… I saw the hottest girl ever….I knew it was you”
Me: “I don’t even know how to respond to that”

My next match got excited that we only lived 1km apart. His opening line was
“I’m outside now, I should start screaming your name”
It was 11pm on a Sunday night and his next line was
“What are you up to? Im bored”
Me “It’s a bit late to be bored isn’t it?”
Him “Bored might actually be code for horny”
“Oh that’s nice”

It was bed time, but before lights out I quickly respond to my latest match.
After initial pleasantries his comment was
“It ‘s late you must be ready for bed”
Me “Pretty much”
“No. Goodbye”

Goodbye to you and goodbye to tinder forever


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